Joy Ride
by Dragonlord Stephi
Summary: After an unknown catastrophic event destroys Sky World, Viridi and Phosphora get bored of Palutena's earth mansion and decide to fly the Lightening Chariot to see the sights... but get spotted by an unwitting Pit, so they bring him along for the ride. Of course, crashing in the Amazon WAS part of the plan... right?


**Joy Rides**

**In which Phosphora, Viridi, and Pit take out the Lightning Chariot with some disastrous results.**

Starring: **Phosphora** (main); **Pit; Viridi**; **Pegasi** of the Lightning Chariot

**Palutena: **Actually, they're unicorns. They fly, but they have no wings. And they have giant horns. Hard to miss them.

**Narrator: **I'm sorry. As I was saying…

**Joy Rides**

**In which Phosphora, Viridi, and Pit take out the Lightning Chariot with some disastrous results.**

Starring: **Phosphora** (main); **Pit**; **Viridi**; _**UNICORNS **_of the Lightning Chariot

**Palutena: **Thank you. That's much better.

**Viridi: **Will you shut _up _for once, Palutena? I swear, it's just blab, blab, blab with you all day. Do you _have _to be such an insufferable know-it-all?

**Palutena: **Funny, you talk a lot too when I'm not around. Especially if it's about me or Pit…

**Viridi: **What are you implying?

**Narrator: **AHEM! Will both of you put a sock in it and allow me to tell the story?

**Both: **Sorry. Proceed.

"Who's a cute unicorn? You are, oh yes! You are," said Phosphora. She affectionately rubbed Phos' snout. Since the pantheon's interim relocation to a large mansion in the human realm, Phosphora was performing the active duty of stable boy (or stable mistress, as she often corrected), caring for the Lightning Chariot and the magnificent beasts that pulled it. It made sense too- lightning goddess, Lightning Chariot. Phos was her favorite. She called him 'Halfie,' since his name was half of hers.

Lux snorted. "I love you too," Phosphora reassured after patting her nose. "I-"

But whatever she was about to say was lost as the stable door was angrily thrown open and a blonde, short girl stomped to Phosphora's side. This was none other than Viridi, goddess of nature and Phosphora's "boss." She was, for lack of a better term, a dwarf among the pantheon. Even Pit was taller. Heck, most_ centurions_ were taller!

"What's wrong?" Phosphora asked. Viridi in a bad mood was nothing new, but Phosphora had learned how to properly appease her mistress without physical injury to herself. This was step one.

"I'm bored," Viridi pouted.

"Would you like a ride?" Phosphora asked, gesturing to the Chariot. Commencing step two: tie in nature. "We could fly over some national parks or something."

Viridi's mood brightened. "How about the Amazon rainforest?"

"Whatever you want."

Viridi's good mood soured again. "Palutena won't approve."

Final step: insult Palutena. This step was the most crucial, and if done correctly could easily steer Viridi towards the right attitude. "Oh, come on! Since when was she queen of the gods? Anyway, she wouldn't notice. She wouldn't see us even if we flew right in front of her nose. Plus… I built a cloaking device, see?" With a flourish, Phosphora pointed to a large red button with a lightning image and the words 'invisibility cloak' on the Chariot's "dashboard."

"Ooooh," Viridi admired. "What's it do?"

Phosphora tried to hide her annoyance. Wasn't it obvious what a cloaking device did? Repressing a million things she could have said (and wanted to), Phosphora replied, "It turns you invisible."

Viridi broke into a wide grin. "What are we waiting for?"

Three-step success. "Hop in," Phosphora said after she hooked up the chariot to Phos and Lux.

Viridi clambered in and smiled, looking forward to it, as the stable door opened again. "Phosphora, the electricity's out and Palutena wants to know if you can fix- what are you doing?" Pit, long an object of Viridi's affection, stared at them, bewilderment on his face. Then, slowly, he began to back away.

"Get him before he squeals!" Viridi shrieked.

"I'm on it." With a lazy flick of her wrist, Phosphora sent bolts of lightning in front of him, so close she scorched a couple of feathers on Pit's wings and made his hair stand on edge. "What do we do with him?"

"Bring him along, I suppose." Viridi didn't seem too upset at the prospect.

"So, like, kidnap him?" Phosphora asked.

"What else do you want to do?" Viridi challenged. "Tie him up and wrap tinsel around his head so he can't communicate with Palutena?"

"No, I suppose not. I'd electrocute him. Get in," Phosphora ordered. "I'm kidnapping you. Do it."

Pit obliged, eyes wide. Because of her electric charge, a simple glancing touch from Phosphora could prove fatal- he remembered their brawl on Thundercloud Temple all too well. Thus, it was best to do as she said. His silence was, of course, only temporary. Pit never shut up for long.

Phosphora guided the unicorns out of the stable then happily hopped in, crying, "On, Phos! On, Lux!"  
"On, Dasher and Prancer!" Pit joined in, a goofy smile on his face. "On Blixen and Vixien and-"

"Shut up!" Viridi snarled. "This isn't Santa's sleigh."

"Sorry." Pit shrugged.

"Put this hat on." Viridi handed him one made of tinsel and tinfoil.

"Why? Afraid aliens will read my mind?" Pit asked as he complied. Again, Phosphora was nearby, so conformity was recommended.

"More like Palutena," Viridi snorted. "Her telepathy can't go through steel or tinfoil."

Phosphora coaxed the unicorns out of the stable and into the sky. Once she was at a steady speed and a decent altitude, she punched the cloak button. "Where to?"

"Amazon rainforest. Then maybe we could tour the Appalachian Mountains once we're done," Viridi answered.

"That's so far, though," Pit pointed out.

"You're a real genius," Viridi replied, and rolled her eyes.

"With the speed of this thing, we'll be back by bed time," Phosphora retorted. Above them, a cloudless nighttime sky speckled with bright stars provided a picturesque backdrop. The ground below looked fluid and restless, they were moving so fast. Pit was looking a bit green. Phosphora laughed at his discomfort as they flew. Going at the speed of light, the Chariot's velocity was only a fraction faster than Phosphora's normal death-defying flight speeds; she was at perfect ease. Mistress Viridi, on the other hand, looked to be faring only slightly better than Pit, a bit rattled by the Chariot's fast motion.

Within two minutes, the long, rolling landscapes changed to blue, wrinkled waves that was the sea. Pit threw up. "I'm fine!" he called.

"Like we were worried," Viridi shot back, and rolled her eyes. The landscape changed yet again, a blur of green that represented the treetops below them.

Phosphora squinted. "Does that look like a storm cloud to you?"

"Yes! Turn! Turn!" Pit screamed.

"We're going too fast. We'll have to fly through it."

"What, afraid of getting wet?" Viridi teased.

"Well, I was just thinking… if this thing goes as fast as lightning, nothing can hit us, right?"

"Right," Phosphora replied with a tone of satisfaction in her voice.

"Can lightning hit us? You know, since it's the same speed?"

Phosphora hadn't thought of that. Maybe she should've at least _tried _to turn. She opened her mouth to say as much when there was a bright flash and the world spun. Suddenly down was up and Phosphora was falling, falling… She started to scream, then stopped in annoyance. _I can fly, nimbus. No need to panic._

Then she was gliding on the wind, going far slower than she was capable of, scanning the sky for any sign of Pit or Viridi. Maybe they were still on the chariot. But where was that? The cloaking was still activated, so they were invisible.

Great.

"Pit! Viridi! Pit! VIRIDI!" No answer. Then, "Phos! Lux! Halfie! Luxie!"

She felt waves of relief as she heard, "They went to visit Dasher, Prancer, Blixen, and Vixen." Pit came into view, his wings glowing green with the activated power of flight. He was holding a very cross Viridi. "Phosphora!" he called. "Where are you? I heard you-"

"I'm right here!" she shouted, flying right next to him.

"Where's the Chariot?" he asked.

"Umm…"

"You _lost _the Chariot?" Viridi snarled.

Their speed was much slower now- still fast, but nowhere near as fast as lightning. Phosphora had to slow down so that she wouldn't leave Pit and Viridi behind.

"Yes…" Phosphora admitted, and groaned. "So, we're near the Amazon. We're not lost, just stuck."

"The horses…" Viridi seethed. "It doesn't matter where we are if we don't have the horses!"

"They'll find their way home. They're smart." Phosphora pointed to a clearing, a potential landing spot. "How's about we land there?"

"Great!" Pit grinned. "So, it's like camping, right?"

"Not exactly," Viridi said with half a smile on her face. "This is way closer to natural inhabitation then camping."

"What?"

"It's like we're part of nature since we have no shelter or food," Phosphora explained as they touched on the ground- Phosphora gracefully and Viridi in a tangle on top of Pit. Blushing and carefully extricating herself, Virdi surveyed the clearing.

"At least it's nature," she sniffed. "We could enjoy ourselves. Possibly."

"Let me take the hat off!" Pit begged. "Lady Palutena can extract us. She'll miss me at bed time too when she won't get to read me the bedtime story, and we were just starting on Homer since we finished Aesop- what?"

Phosphora and Viridi clutched their sides laughing. "Nothing. It's just… bed time stories? Really?"

"I have trouble sleeping," Pit replied defensively, "and Lady Palutena doesn't want her best commander all beat up and tired, so… yeah. About that hat…"

"It stays on," Viridi snorted. "We can't ask Palutena to get us. She'll know we snuck out."

"_You _snuck out," Pit corrected. "_I _was kidnapped. Besides, she'll find out soon enough. She sent me to get Phosphora to fix the electricity. Lady Palutena will definitely wonder what's taking us so long."

Phosphora groaned and sat on a log. "Things can't get-"

"DON'T YOU DARE!" Virdi shrieked.

"-worse," Phosphora finished. As if on cue, it started to rain.

"Thank you, O brilliant commander," Viridi complained. "Don't you know that saying's completely jinxed?"

They ran under a tree and sat there, soaked and miserable. Phosphora cursed their bad luck but admitted it wasn't too bad hanging out with Viridi and Pit. While they waited out the storm, Virdi had vines grow to form a sort of rain-proof dome, and Pit told stories about his comical attempts at learning to fly before Palutena deemed it impossible and the first couple of centuries working as her receptionist before being promoted. Viridi interrupted often with condescending or sarcastic remarks, but the steady drizzle of rain and the moon's soft glow lulled Phosphora into a sort of dazed state. She wasn't sure when she fell asleep- one moment Pit was recounting a lengthy story on how he and Palutena had attempted to cook lasagna and ended up setting the kitchen on fire, and the next she was sprawled on her back, looking up at a blue sky rimmed with tropical trees.

By now, not only Palutena but the entire household must know that Pit, Viridi, and Phosphora were gone.

Beside her, Viridi awoke yawning, noticed Phosphora was awake, then roughly shook Pit so he'd be the same. "WAKE UP!" In the process, she accidentally knocked his hat off.

"Get it!" Viridi shouted, but at that moment, an abnormally strong gust of wind pushed against Phosphora, and she flew back several feet, momentarily breathless. Then the wind picked up the hat, driving it into the air, where it was incinerated by a random fireball.

"What the-?" Phosphora mumbled.

"_That was my Power of Wind and Power of Random Fireball," _answered a familiar voice. _"Now that Pit's removed that ridiculous hat, I can see him clearly- and through him, you! So, then… WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH PIT AND THE LIGHTNING CHARIOT? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHO JUST RANDOMLY TAKES A CHARIOT AND RUNS OFF?"_

"Good morning, Palutena," Viridi replied darkly.

_"DON'T YOU 'GOOD MORNING' ME!" _Phosphora could feel all the anger boiling to a dangerous heat almost as if it was giving off a temperature. Palutena continued, _"Why on EARTH are you in the Amazon? Really? The Amazon?"_

"Extract us, please!" Pit called. "Or even just me. You can leave them behind."

"Hey!" Viridi shouted. "What's your problem?"

_"A very tempting prospect. Unfortunately, something's interfering with the extraction."_

"What is it? I'll shoot it, I'll melee it, I'll blast it into the next dimension!" Pit jumped up and down. "Tell me tell me tell me TELL MEEEEEE!"

"_Calm down, Mr. Enthusiasm. I can't see it. Not even with my All-Seeing Eye of Palutena."_

"Wow. You really need to get that fixed," Pit remarked.

"_I know. I've got an appointment with Occulo already."_

"Occulo?"

"_God of both physical vision and divine sight. He doesn't live with us since HIS home is still intact. The lucky. Anyway, I think I can extract you if you get out of the jungle."_

Phosphora sighed and started trudging through the vines, shrubbery, and curtailing trees. Viridi followed, with Pit in constant chatter with Palutena. "I hear rushing water, Lady Palutena!"

"_Very perceptive, Pit! It's probably a river."_

"Who would've thought?" muttered Viridi, words dripping with sarcasm. Indeed, they reached the river's banks a few minutes later.

"_Be careful, Pit! Those are piranhas in there!"_

"Oh, big deal," Phosphora shrugged, and walked straight into the river. It crackled, and steam rose from the waters. "Water transmits electricity- boom! Dead piranhas all along the river."

"Yeah- piranhas and everything else!" Viridi reprimanded. "Be careful, or you're going to kill _everything_!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. It's no skin off my back." Phosphora looked down, noticing she was waist-deep in water, and then gave a little gasp.

"_What is it?"_

"I broke a nail!" Phosphora moaned. "It's tragic!"

"_For sure. It'd be a shame if something happened to your _hair. _Now _that _would be the start of Armageddon itself."_

"I'd die before then," Phosphora replied.

"_Of course you would." _Palutena's voice seemed tinged with amusement, and Phosphora thought she might have heard the goddess laugh, but she wasn't sure. _"Anyway, Pit, seeing as the river will now shock you to death, you can't cross it anyway."_

"Want a bridge?" Viridi asked.

"I don't see how you can get a bridge here, of all places," Pit shrugged.

"Do you want a bridge or not?" Viridi repeated, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, yeah. Of course."

"Consider it done." Viridi strode to the nearest clump of trees with sizable trunks and shouted, "Children!"

The trees shuddered in response.

"I have need of you!" she continued. "The noble, if somewhat callous, Pit and your Beautiful Amazing Mistress need a bridge to cross the great water flowing past your roots. Any sacrifice will be greatly honored." She waited.

A tree shuddered again, then fell across the river in a near-perfect perpendicular- a traversable bridge.

"Thank you." Viridi patted its trunk, almost as if consoling it. Then she turned to Pit. "See, Pit? Bridge."

Pit shook his head. "Beautiful Amazing Mistress? Noble but callous?"

"_She was complimenting you. Seriously, though? Beautiful Amazing Mistress?"_

"No doy." Viridi gestured to the bridge. "Well? Is His Royal Highness going to cross?"

"Excuuuse me, princess," Pit replied as he gingerly tested the bridge's weight, found it solid, and then crossed.

"That's _Beautiful, Amazing_ Princess to you!" Virdi snapped as she followed suit. "And what, do you wear a green hat or something?"

"How far are we to the edge of the forest, Lady Palutena?" Pit asked as the three continued walking. By now, all of them were in an irritable mood.

"_Maybe ten miles, give or take. I can't exactly tell for sure… the force is still in the way."_

"But… that's… sooooo… far," Phosphora complained. She was dragging her feet now, her energy seemingly gone. Perhaps she expended too much power into cooking the river.

"_Hold on… something's interfering… watch… giant… EEEWW." _Palutena's telepathy was getting fractured, but she was clearly grossed out.

"What is it?"  
_"Look… you. Use the…"_

"Oh, shut it, you meganerd," Viridi sighed. "Must you completely break down the fourth wall?" Despite her words, she still turned to look behind her anyway. "So what force?"  
_"Forces… nature," _Palutena tried to say, sounding very frustrated that she wasn't getting through. _"To kill that."_

"Oh, right," Viridi breathed. "That."

Phosphora whirled around and nearly screamed. Despite being a commander of the Forces of Nature, she still was not used to certain natural things. Like cockroaches. Or giant spiders.

Especially giant spiders.

So she did not like being face-to-face with a giant tarantula, one with yard-long fangs and eight large, yellow eyes easily the size of her head. Behind her, Pit shouted, "GRROOSSSS!"

"_That's… interrupting… signal," _Palutena's voice said, coming out crackled and in poor quality, as if they were listening to a phonograph. "… _that…. I extract only if…"_

"I'm on it!" Pit proclaimed, dashing forward, but Viridi grabbed his arm. Whereas the look on Pit's face was of deep disgust, Viridi's was completely enthralled and enraptured. "What?" Pit demanded, rummaging in his pocket for the chance that maybe he had stored a spare palm in it- fisticuffing is not much fun.

"He's beautiful," Viridi sighed. "More beautiful than Queen Gohma!"

Phosphora rolled her eyes. "Nevertheless, it's kill that thing or walk ten miles, maybe more."

"Easy- we're walking!" Viridi declared. "He's not hurting anyone."

The tarantula swept a hairy leg at her and nearly beheaded the petite goddess.

"Correction- he's as good as dead!" Viridi made a fist as emphasis.

"Sure thing," Phosphora said. "Shall I roast it?" Suddenly energy seemed to flow into her again, as if the loom of battle overhead was enough of a boost to recharge her batteries.

"To nothing but ashes."

"YEEEAH!" Pit agreed. "Ashes!" A pause. "So, um, what do I do?"

"Charging electricity to maximum," Phosphora announced. "One shot should be enough to finish off this baby, but if I miss… it won't be good."

"So then don't miss." Viridi retorted.

"Could you contain him, please?"

"Ooh! Ooh! Let me!" Pit begged, brandishing the palm he'd found. It made his hand glow an eerie green, and he was dying to try it out.

"_Pit, don't… way," _Palutena instructed. _"Let… and… handle this."_

Viridi thrust her arms forward. "Children! Contain my rebellious pet!" Trees bent over like a cage, and vines snaked around the spider's legs, tethering it to the ground. It thrashed and severed a couple, but new vines were there to take their fallen siblings' places almost instantaneously. The overgrown arachnid was immobilized.

"Phosphora Power!" Phosphora shouted. "Ya'll better duck!" A glowing, crackling sphere surrounded her raised hand, and with a powerful dash, Phosphora threw it at the tarantula. Its eight eyes widened in fear and then dimmed as it was cooked in its exoskeleton.

"All right!" Viridi cheered. "We showed him! A shame, though. He was such a gorgeous child…"

"I didn't do anything," Pit pouted.

"_It's all right, Pit," _Palutena comforted, voice coming through clearly now. "I'll get to extracting you right away. You hungry?"

"You bet!"

"Good! I got steak ready for tonight."

"Yeah! Steak!" Pit whooped.

Phosphora laughed. "Great. Good for him. Mistress Viridi, what do _we _have for dinner?"

"Only the finest harvest of brussel sprouts in five centuries!" Viridi replied proudly, as the blue light of extraction whirled around them. "I must have really hit the jackpot with that new fertilizer… everything's been tasting better!"

Phosphora's smile slipped, and suddenly she wished she was back in the jungle. At least there was a chance of finding real food there. Not even battle-hardened, electrically-lethal commanders eat brussel sprouts.

**Narrator: **And that's that. The end. QED. El fine. Whatever else.

**Phosphora: **Lame ending. You made me eat brussel sprouts.

**Narrator: **I only implied it, and it was the writer and Viridi who made you eat it. Don't shoot the messenger.

**Viridi: **What, you hate brussel sprouts? Treason!

**Pit: **Not to gloat or anything, but my steak was pretty delicious.

**Palutena: **Of course it was! I cooked it. Dinner aside, I want to know how a giant spider got in the Amazon.

**Phosphora: **This is a poorly-written fanfiction. Anything can happen. For all you know, Pit and I could-

**Pit: **DON'T EVEN GO THERE!

**Palutena: **So we've completely demolished the fourth wall, is that it?

**Pit: **The what?

**Palutena: **_HOW DID IT GET THERE, PEOPLE?_

**Hades: **Actually, the spider and the lightning that hit the Chariot are compliments of yours truly.

**Phosphora: **I will kill you. Just you wait.

**Palutena: **Get in line; it currently has a millennium's waiting time and stretches across three dimensions.

**Hades: **I do love me a large amount of enemies. They say you've never lived until you've made lots of enemies and fallen in love. I've still got a ways to go on the second.

**Phosphora: **Fall in love, huh? Maybe, just maybe, since Pit and I are in a fanfiction, we could-

**Palutena: **Do not say another word. Do not go there. For you, there is no "there" and there never will be a "there." "There" does not exist. It is a place of horror and misery. So do not go there.

**Hades: **Why? Are you jealous? Is there a "there" for Pit and _you_?

**Palutena: ***blushes*

**Viridi: **Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have our answer.

**Hades: **What about you?

**Viridi: ***blushes*

**Phosphora: **Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have our answer.

**Viridi: **Who's on YOUR waiting list, Phosphora?

**Phosphora: **To kill? No one. Why?

**Viridi and Palutena: **There is now!

QED


End file.
